Revolution of the Fatherless

Ten years ago my father passed away.  He died from the vices he so arrogantly and stubbornly participated in.  Inevitably there are things that always, and I mean always lead to death.  My father had decided that he was more capable driving intoxicated than not, so he turned the wrong direction on a highway and found himself flipped in between a median and the highway.  This was his demise.  I’ll never forget the day my father died.

It was a day like any other except I found myself in a deep, deep melancholic mood as I do sometimes during the winter.  I told my wife that I didn’t know why but I was deeply troubled, she just nodded.  That evening at 11:00 my phone rang, and I shot up in bed, shaking, and panting whispering to my wife “My dad is dead.”

I answer the phone.  “Hello, Mr. Mitchell, this is Pastor Bruce from First Baptist, I’m standing here with your mom, is there any way you can come out to her house?  I’ve got some bad news.” ……. Click.

The next three days I didn’t sleep as I drove my mom out to pick up my father’s belongings.  We drove 24 hours straight, saying maybe three words the whole drive.  It was terribly, awfully, painful. 

Reflections:

I still love my father.  I love the intellect, the drive, the passion he had.  I love the way he could spark a conversation with literally anyone.  I love the man he could’ve been.  And there’s the rub.  You see ten years later, I still find myself loving a man that never existed.

I’m a stubborn, individualistic, hard-hearted, driven man.  It takes the power of God to soften me.  It takes the power of God to break through and help me hear advice.  I’ve always lived on my own terms; driven to be the savior because those late nights when dad’s fists were flying, I was the one mom ran to.  I loathe that I can’t save everyone.  It shatters me.  Still.

Ten years later I wish I could say I’ve discovered all the answers to the toughest questions, but really I have more questions!  I wish I could say I know what a dad looks like, but all I know is the glimpses I’ve seen of good men.  I wish I could say I didn’t long for a late night beer with a father who has my best interest at heart, but I do.  At the same time, I absolutely don’t.  Ten years later, I’m still a man driven and guided by his own soul, intuition, or Holy Spirit.  Do I have a Godly father? Absolutely.  Do I feel like Paul with a thorn in his side that will never be removed?  YES.  I will always be fatherless.

My father didn’t die ten years ago.  He simply never was.

But, my confidence in God has been strengthened through success in love, life, and wonderful friends.  I’m not hopeless.  Far from it.  I’m a fatherless man, like many others, with a hole in his heart, being filled with love from a God who never ever dies.

Revolution of Control

Out of all the sad stories I’ve collected over the years there has been one that has been consistently told to me.  It starts out with “I grew up in a very controlling home.”  The sadness of it all is when these children become adults they have to learn what it means to be self-governing without any way to do this.  It reminds me (forgive me if this is something Jesus wouldn’t be cool with) of Dexter,  a man whose soul is twisted with a desire for murder.  He’s given a code, called Harry’s Code.  Harry is his adoptive father.  Dexter’s life is driven by this code, even after his father dies he still hears and even sees his father giving him instruction.  Those abused by dictator parents are so badly wounded nothing, and I mean nothing will get through their walls.  They avoid churches because no one should be allowed to tell him how to live their lives.  They avoid intimacy because they don’t want someone getting to close, because that closeness gives the other person control.  They lash out and do the exact opposite of what their parents did in every way, even some of the healthy things the parents may have had to offer.  It’s called an inner vow, an internal promise to never, ever be like dad, or mom.  They refuse to be controlled, yet will more often than not end up in marriages with controlling spouses.  They refuse to be controlled, yet find themselves completely dictated by temporary pleasures they never experienced as a child.  There is two very sad realities we’re talking about here.  One is the parents totally missed the mark, they totally and without a doubt abused their children (oddly enough these children will say they had good parents more often than not, because they know nothing else).  The second cold harsh reality is someone always controls your life, always.

Someone

Controls

You.

This isn’t easy to hear. I hated typing it.  I feel your anger.  Your hurt.  I do.  Listen, obviously you’re able to self-govern which basically means make your own decisions.  You’re not a robot.  But you are also not independent.  You are completely dependent.  What you’re dependent on drives your life, ie: has control.  Money?  A lot of us are controlled by this.  It’s a fine line, because to survive in this world money is necessary.  You make money your ruler, you relinquish control, your life will never be the same.  It will not be life.  It will be a traded soul.  The good news is your soul doesn’t have to remain traded for money, but instead can be traded for a new soul.  Money is just one of many examples, maybe you’ve traded your soul for sex, reputation, fame, Christianity (ooh tough one to hear), or any number of things.  

So.  Whom/what do you give control over to get your new soul…sounds strange, all it means is a new drive, a new character, a new heart.  Personally, I chose to relinquish control over to God.  To Jesus.  I don’t mean the pseudo I was raised in church Jesus, but the real Jesus.  You know how I know what his control looks like?  Two very real ways.  The Bible, which I know is a given, but also my new soul.  You see when you relinquish control over to Jesus you’re given a new soul and therefore you have a new boss.

Next question is this.  If you believe you’ve already given control over to Jesus, what in your life besides your belief reflects this?  Because it’s easy to believe the lie, that we’ve given control over, but in reality we’re still driven by other things.  Just food for thought…not that really anyone who isn’t a Christian reads this…but maybe it helps you in your dialogue with others.  Just make sure that dialogue is done in love, not condemnation.

Peace and Grace

Or as I said as a child Peas and Grapes

Revolution of the Faultless

There once was a man with whom there was no fault.  This man found himself filled with justification.  He was a good man.  He knew the answers to every question.  For this man there was no one else more pure in heart.  I’d like to introduce you to him.  Here are just a few quotes from this man.

“I am a good father, I provide for them! My father was never home, and so I don’t know what a father looks like.  I am doing much better than him.”

“I only beat the sh*t out of them because they deserve it! What else is there to do?”

“I don’t need to change, they need to change, I’m a good person!”

“Why can’t they fix their own problems? I did!”

“I was trying to live by the bible, but your parents made me feel embarrassed and asked me not to talk about God.  Well fine, I won’t talk about God then!”

“I used to be sweet just like you. Son, go get my yearbook and show them all the things people said about how sweet I was.  It’s your fault I’m this way!”

“I just do these to take the edge off!  Don’t tell me you haven’t done them too.  I’m a grown a%* man and I’ll do whatever I please!”

“Oh you want me to cheat??  I’ve been nothing but faithful but since you don’t trust me anyway, I might as well do whatever I want!”

“You’ll never be anything but a loser, and it’s not my fault! I showed you how to be a man. SHUT UP!”

“You’re a little slut, and you deserve whatever you get. I would never disrespect someone like you have.”

“I don’t need counseling, I’m smarter than the shrink, trust me, I know what I’m talking about, she doesn’t!”

-My Father

These are the tame things.   I would need a lot more cuss words to truly paint the picture of verbal tirades he would go. I will write more stories about the actual abuse later.  This entry’s objective is to point out things that everyone struggles with.  We all want to believe we’re perfect, good people.  No one likes to admit they think they’re perfect.  But what is a man with no one to blame except others?  What is a man only harmed by the world, but attempting his best to do good?  What is a man who needs no help?  Who is only a victim?  Who has every answer, every rebuttal for his actions?  This man sounds like a complete, whole man lacking nothing with only the imperfect world inhibiting him.  The only person getting in the way of your hope, your real lasting perfection is you. 

You

Lack

Perfection.

Without Jesus your soul is incomplete.  It is not the world that is to blame.  You chose your actions.  You chose to guide your life.  You chose to be your only sense of security.  If no one is perfect except Jesus as they say, then how are you the answer to the ultimate questions?  Self-help is a lie.  Your life, your soul is lacking something it desperately needs.

Don’t be my dad.  Your life was meant for something far greater, and I beg you to see it.  Before that pride leads you the wrong way on a highway far too intoxicated.  Your self-perfection will destroy your soul.

Church of the Revolution

I cannot tell you how many conversations I’ve had that have begun, and went exactly like this:

Me: “Tell me about yourself man, like your family, religion, values, whatever.  I just want to know you a little better”

Someone not me:  “Well, my family is great and we believe in God and stuff, I was raised Christian.”

Me:  “Dude, that’s awesome, I’m a Christian too, do you go to church anywhere?”

Someone not me:  “I don’t have to go to church to be a Christian!”

-Well, that escalated quickly.  When did I question the salvation of their soul with my question about which church they attend?  It seems to me that a question is answered that isn’t really asked, and answered quite defensively.  While, what they said may be technically true what they are communicating behind the words is actually far more alarming.  They’ve made following Christ about belief alone.  And missed the entire message of hope.  Allow me to explain.

Let’s focus on another ideal.  Let’s say you call yourself a father or mother.  As a father/mother you don’t have any children.  You don’t spend time with any children.  You have no desire to be around other children.  You have no intention of trying to have children.  They actually make you angry to be around.  They hurt your feelings.  They try to take the things you love away because they demand your time, money, energy, and life.  These children are selfish.  The ones you don’t have.  But because you believe you’re a mother/father, well you are one.

Sound crazy?  Well, that’s exactly what we’ve done with Christianity.  We don’t want to be in church because we have fears of what the church will demand of us.  They might demand we love each other better, be less self-centered, spend our money on helping the poor, or they might do something even worse: make us feel “Judged” because they ask us to change behaviors that we think are fun but they believe Christ calls deadly. 

I get it.  Faith in Christ saves your soul. Faith was the first step in the walk.  It’s not the last, and it wasn’t intended to be.  Church can be painful.  Churches fail.  Churches crush people’s hearts.  But not all of them do.  The Church was meant to be a place that reveals hope and encourages you to press on in your journey with Jesus.  If you find yourself hurt by a church move to another.  Don’t dismiss all churches based on one failure.  At the end of the day a Christian can be a Christian without church, but that’s not the real question is it?

The real question is why would a Christian not want to be around other Christians in worship of the Jesus they claim to follow?  Do you not want to be “told what to do?”  Do you want to keep on coping with the deadly things you know Jesus doesn’t approve of?  Are you still holding onto hurts from the past? 

Sounds an awful lot like a parent with no children….sounds an awful lot like crazy.

Revolution of Self-Worth

You are never alone.  I don’t mean that in some creepy, God is watching you take showers kind of way.  I mean don’t forget.  Some live like God doesn’t exist, doesn’t matter, and doesn’t care while some live like God simply left their side.  God hasn’t left your side.  As a matter of fact, He’s in the thick of it.  He’s in the trenches of your pain waiting to rescue you but you keep turning to anything and everything else.  What’s fascinating and overwhelmingly sad about that is you were designed to walk in amazing love, life and opportunity but instead you chose to keep listening to lies over and over again believing that those things can be found somewhere else.  You have lost hope.

Remember how in the earlier blog I said hope is equivalent to confidence?  Well, when you don’t have confidence what do you do?  Some drink.  That’s how they gain confidence to pick up women.  Some become attention grabbers because that brief attention makes them feel loved, even if it is fleeting and quickly lost.  When you don’t have confidence your whole self-worth becomes lost also.  When you feel like there’s no one you can lean on, or nothing you can trust in then you feel like it must be you that is the failure.  That you are to blame, and that you are ultimately worthless.  So, what do you do when you feel worthless?  You attempt to ease that pain, with whatever vices you can.  Maybe you work longer hours; maybe you even start to serve at church more.  Whatever you can do to feel valuable.  The one similarity in all of this is that your confidence comes from outside yourself.  There is no such thing as self-confidence.  It is a lie.  Think about it.  When was the last time you put 100% of your trust, hope, or confidence in yourself??  

Hope

Comes

From

Outside

Yourself

So, for arguments sake let’s put all this together.  If your hope is confidence which comes from outside yourself and brings you value, isn’t it fair to say that it is vitally important where you place that hope?  One could say it’s soul-changing, revolutionarily important.  One might also say it’s probably pretty important to put that hope in the best available place.  It’s important we figure this out for the sake of our souls.  I’m not saying I’m 100% right, but I’m 100% confident that Jesus gives me the best hope I’ve ever experienced.  But, hey, I’m just another dude.  You place your hope where you will, and may it truly bring you the confidence and self-worth your soul longs for.