Revolution of the Fatherless

Ten years ago my father passed away.  He died from the vices he so arrogantly and stubbornly participated in.  Inevitably there are things that always, and I mean always lead to death.  My father had decided that he was more capable driving intoxicated than not, so he turned the wrong direction on a highway and found himself flipped in between a median and the highway.  This was his demise.  I’ll never forget the day my father died.

It was a day like any other except I found myself in a deep, deep melancholic mood as I do sometimes during the winter.  I told my wife that I didn’t know why but I was deeply troubled, she just nodded.  That evening at 11:00 my phone rang, and I shot up in bed, shaking, and panting whispering to my wife “My dad is dead.”

I answer the phone.  “Hello, Mr. Mitchell, this is Pastor Bruce from First Baptist, I’m standing here with your mom, is there any way you can come out to her house?  I’ve got some bad news.” ……. Click.

The next three days I didn’t sleep as I drove my mom out to pick up my father’s belongings.  We drove 24 hours straight, saying maybe three words the whole drive.  It was terribly, awfully, painful. 

Reflections:

I still love my father.  I love the intellect, the drive, the passion he had.  I love the way he could spark a conversation with literally anyone.  I love the man he could’ve been.  And there’s the rub.  You see ten years later, I still find myself loving a man that never existed.

I’m a stubborn, individualistic, hard-hearted, driven man.  It takes the power of God to soften me.  It takes the power of God to break through and help me hear advice.  I’ve always lived on my own terms; driven to be the savior because those late nights when dad’s fists were flying, I was the one mom ran to.  I loathe that I can’t save everyone.  It shatters me.  Still.

Ten years later I wish I could say I’ve discovered all the answers to the toughest questions, but really I have more questions!  I wish I could say I know what a dad looks like, but all I know is the glimpses I’ve seen of good men.  I wish I could say I didn’t long for a late night beer with a father who has my best interest at heart, but I do.  At the same time, I absolutely don’t.  Ten years later, I’m still a man driven and guided by his own soul, intuition, or Holy Spirit.  Do I have a Godly father? Absolutely.  Do I feel like Paul with a thorn in his side that will never be removed?  YES.  I will always be fatherless.

My father didn’t die ten years ago.  He simply never was.

But, my confidence in God has been strengthened through success in love, life, and wonderful friends.  I’m not hopeless.  Far from it.  I’m a fatherless man, like many others, with a hole in his heart, being filled with love from a God who never ever dies.

Revolution of Control

Out of all the sad stories I’ve collected over the years there has been one that has been consistently told to me.  It starts out with “I grew up in a very controlling home.”  The sadness of it all is when these children become adults they have to learn what it means to be self-governing without any way to do this.  It reminds me (forgive me if this is something Jesus wouldn’t be cool with) of Dexter,  a man whose soul is twisted with a desire for murder.  He’s given a code, called Harry’s Code.  Harry is his adoptive father.  Dexter’s life is driven by this code, even after his father dies he still hears and even sees his father giving him instruction.  Those abused by dictator parents are so badly wounded nothing, and I mean nothing will get through their walls.  They avoid churches because no one should be allowed to tell him how to live their lives.  They avoid intimacy because they don’t want someone getting to close, because that closeness gives the other person control.  They lash out and do the exact opposite of what their parents did in every way, even some of the healthy things the parents may have had to offer.  It’s called an inner vow, an internal promise to never, ever be like dad, or mom.  They refuse to be controlled, yet will more often than not end up in marriages with controlling spouses.  They refuse to be controlled, yet find themselves completely dictated by temporary pleasures they never experienced as a child.  There is two very sad realities we’re talking about here.  One is the parents totally missed the mark, they totally and without a doubt abused their children (oddly enough these children will say they had good parents more often than not, because they know nothing else).  The second cold harsh reality is someone always controls your life, always.

Someone

Controls

You.

This isn’t easy to hear. I hated typing it.  I feel your anger.  Your hurt.  I do.  Listen, obviously you’re able to self-govern which basically means make your own decisions.  You’re not a robot.  But you are also not independent.  You are completely dependent.  What you’re dependent on drives your life, ie: has control.  Money?  A lot of us are controlled by this.  It’s a fine line, because to survive in this world money is necessary.  You make money your ruler, you relinquish control, your life will never be the same.  It will not be life.  It will be a traded soul.  The good news is your soul doesn’t have to remain traded for money, but instead can be traded for a new soul.  Money is just one of many examples, maybe you’ve traded your soul for sex, reputation, fame, Christianity (ooh tough one to hear), or any number of things.  

So.  Whom/what do you give control over to get your new soul…sounds strange, all it means is a new drive, a new character, a new heart.  Personally, I chose to relinquish control over to God.  To Jesus.  I don’t mean the pseudo I was raised in church Jesus, but the real Jesus.  You know how I know what his control looks like?  Two very real ways.  The Bible, which I know is a given, but also my new soul.  You see when you relinquish control over to Jesus you’re given a new soul and therefore you have a new boss.

Next question is this.  If you believe you’ve already given control over to Jesus, what in your life besides your belief reflects this?  Because it’s easy to believe the lie, that we’ve given control over, but in reality we’re still driven by other things.  Just food for thought…not that really anyone who isn’t a Christian reads this…but maybe it helps you in your dialogue with others.  Just make sure that dialogue is done in love, not condemnation.

Peace and Grace

Or as I said as a child Peas and Grapes